How to parent your child’s brain, not their age.
It’s not uncommon for me to work with parents who feel like they have “tried everything” to better understand or connect with their child. I use the term child to include teens as well, because in many ways, they present more like younger kiddos in their behavior, mood, motivation and thought process than they do pre-adults who are only a few years away from being expected to take on the world independently. Did you know the human brain is not fully formed until the age of 26? 26! Think about that for a minute.
The first thing I like to discuss in parent coaching therapy as we build rapport and I get to know the child and the family better, is Executive Functions. Most parents are unaware of what they are, where they live in the brain and what purposes they serve, which is unfortunate because I feel like so many arguments could be avoided with just a basic understanding of what your child’s brain is and is not currently capable of. Often times, one of the biggest missteps that parents experience is grossly over-estimating what their child should be neurologically, emotionally and mentally capable of at their age, and interestingly enough this is a common thing I see across age groups. Unrealistic expectations begin with toddlers, as there is a common misconception that toddlers have the ability to effectively and adequately verbally communicate their emotions when they are upset. “Use your words” is a common directive I hear, and while it’s well intended and may encourage communication, your toddler’s brain is unable to do so when they are in the throws of dysregulation. Tantrums do not occur because your child is trying to be difficult.They do not wake up with plans to destroy the day with tearful fits and emotional outbursts. They have wants and needs and lack the appropriate skills to communicate them! So how do you handle those intense moments? Interestingly enough, the same way you handle your teenagers intense emotions. You validate. You reflect. You hold the boundary. With teens, you add in a lot of listening as well. What does that sound like?
Child: I don’t want to leave the park! Please Mommy!
Mom: I hear you, you don’t want to leave, and you’re having fun. It’s hard to do things we don’t want to but we are going now. Do you want to walk home or skip home?
In an alternate example with teens:
Teen: School is so stupid. My bio teacher is boring and always gives us so much homework.
Caregiver: I hear you. I know school can feel frustrating. I’m here if you need help.
The goal is to skip the lectures, and the “‘back in my day” diatribes and instead focus on hearing their experience and validating their feelings. Sometimes, that’s all anyone needs to be able to move through what feels really big in the moment.
If any of this feels familiar, or you would like more information on parenting your child’s brain, not their age, please use the Contact Us form and consider scheduling a parent therapy session!
